


Hope for Tomorrow

by Rekall



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Past Brainwashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-10
Updated: 2013-10-10
Packaged: 2017-12-29 01:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/999182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rekall/pseuds/Rekall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky struggles with his past as he tries moving towards the future. Good thing Natasha is there for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hope for Tomorrow

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's early to be writing CA2 fics but sometimes you can't help yourself.

_He laid on the roof. The cement was hard and hot but he ignored both. The sniper rifle remained steady as it barely peeked over the edge as he waited for his target to come into view. It wasn't his first mission and it wouldn't be his last. Killing people was all he was good at. Killing and training others to kill._

_He recognized the short, balding man as soon as he saw him. He had memorized the man's appearance from a picture they had given him. It was some politician but it didn't matter. He had a job to do and years of training drilled into his mind made it impossible to disobey orders._

_He lined up the shot and squeezed the trigger._

_BANG!_

Bucky woke with a jolt. For a minute he couldn't remember where he was but then it came rushing back to him. He was in his apartment. The one S.H.I.E.L.D had set up for him. It wasn't the nicest place but he was lucky he wasn't in jail for what he had done; even if he hadn't been in control of his mind. S.H.I.E.L.D had saw uses in him, which was why he wasn't rotting in some cell.

Running a hand through his hair, Bucky forced himself to relax. His wasn't a pawn anymore. He needed to remember that. It still however didn't change what he did in the past. The balding politician was only one of many he had killed over the decades. That type of guilt didn't easily go away.

The nightmare faded but Bucky knew he wouldn't be getting anymore sleep that night. It was already early morning and he needed to be up in a few hours anyway. He was under probation at the moment. They didn't trust him enough yet to give him assignments and Bucky didn't blame them. Instead he got to work with a S.H.I.E.L.D liaison to determine when and if he'd be ready to go.

Coffee entered into Bucky's mind. The problem was he still wasn't quite sure how the coffee machine worked. It was one of the fancy kinds, making kinds of coffee Bucky had never heard heard of. All he wanted was a simple one where all it took was a press of one button. S.H.I.E.L.D had offered to set him up with a 1940s apartment like Steve, but Bucky didn't want that. As it was he lived too much in the past. He knew he needed to stop doing it and move on to the future, but it was hard. There were too many deaths on his hands. 

A knock at Bucky's door caught him off guard. Instinctively he reached for one of the many guns he owned. It was far too early for any casual visit and he had many enemies who would like to take him out; former Soviets who wanted to keep him quiet from spilling secrets and friends of those he killed who wanted revenge. He didn't blame the latter group but he had no desire to die just yet. Not until he was able to make amends for what he had done.

Cautiously; Bucky made his way to the door as the knocking continued. He wasn't stupid enough to stand in front of the door to look through the peephole. That was a good way to get struck by a sneak attack. 

"Who is it?"

"It's me, James."

There was only one person who called him James and Bucky wasn't sure if he wanted to see her or not. There was a lot in their past. Hearts had been broken, even though neither one of them was responsible for it. He didn't really have much choice in not seeing her though; she was his S.H.I.E.L.D liaison. 

Reluctantly; Bucky unlocked the door and let her in. He knew if he hadn't she would just find a way in anyway. She was good at that kind of thing. When she wanted to do something, nothing stopped her. She had been trained well. He knew that since he had a hand in her training.

Her appearance took his breath away like it always did. She was simply stunning. She had been the one bright light from the dark Soviet days. She was just as beautiful now as she had then. He still loved her, even though they were no longer together. One of the constant questions on his mind was if she still loved him too. 

"Natalia . . ."

Natalia wasn't her name anymore. But that was the name he knew her by back then. She was now Natasha. He was still getting use to it, yet in some ways she would always be Natalia to him. It was just another way he was clinging to the past. He needed to start moving towards the future along with everyone else.

"Why are you here so early?" It wasn't his intent to sound hostile. It was just difficult being around Natasha. He wished that he had a different liaison. Someone he didn't have a past with. Someone he didn't still love.

"Mornings are always the hardest," she said while lifting up the tray she was holding to show him. "Plus I bought coffee."

"You shouldn't be here," Bucky replied even while accepting one of the paper cups from her. "We both know it."

"I'm doing my job."

"A job that's beneath you." He stared deep into her eyes. She was so captivating and it was easy to forget everything else. But he needed to focus. "We both know you're too good to be babysitting me."

"I volunteered, James."

"But why?"

An uncomfortable silence fell between them. Bucky wanted to think he knew the reason why she volunteered but he also didn't want to get his hopes up. After all the crap he had gone through he didn't know he could take it if the woman he loved rejected him. That was one of the reasons why he wanted to keep his distance. Natasha deserved someone better than him. Someone who wasn't fucked up.

"I don't want coffee anymore," Natasha said, changing the subject. "I want breakfast. You're paying."

A smile crossed Bucky's face. Same old Natasha. Some things really never did change. For that he was grateful.

They found a diner nearby that was open 24hrs. Cheap too, which was good for Bucky's sake. The Soviets didn't exactly pay him for his decades of slavery and America had declared him dead long ago. All he had was living funds that S.H.I.E.L.D had set up for him. 

They found a table and ordered when the waitress came over. Coffee soon followed. 

"Earlier you said that mornings were always the hardest," Bucky said as they waited for their food. "What did you mean by that?"

Natasha shrugged. "We let our guard down when we're sleeping. It makes things easier to remember things we don't want too."

"Does it still haunt you?"

"Every day."

It had to be harder on her, Bucky realized. He at least had the excuse he was brainwashed. It didn't matter she had only been a child when she was recruited. He knew Natasha and knew she would still blame herself for things that had happened so long ago. They were both like that. The only thing that Natasha lucked out on was she had longer to get use to her demons. 

"Did your liaison ever show up and demand breakfast?"

Natasha smiled and Bucky had to resist the urge to kiss her. "He's not exactly a morning person. His idea of breakfast is drinking black coffee straight from the pot."

"You're still in contact with him?" Natasha didn't make friends so easily. At least not real friends who knew the real her. It surprised Bucky.

"We've teamed up since then." Natasha paused as she took a sip of her coffee. "Most recently the incident in New York."

Bucky tried to keep his jealousy in check as he attempted to remember everything he knew of that event. He had still been asleep then but he had seen the footage afterwards. Aliens attacking New York. It was hard to believe but Bucky was getting use to unbelievable things. After all, he should have died seventy years ago. 

"The guy with the arrows?" It was the only one it could have been. 

"His name's Hawkeye. You'll find you have more in common with him than you think."

Bucky didn't buy that for one minute. Not unless Natasha meant the thing they had in common was herself. "Is that so?"

"He had his mind taken over by a god. Was forced to do things - kill people - he never would have done in his right mind."

Thankfully their food came giving Bucky time to think. He was ashamed for being so jealous. Natasha had every right to move on. When they had gotten caught their handlers wiped his mind and shoved him back into the tank as punishment. All memories of Natasha had been gone until he recently regained everything. He had no claim to her. Natasha sitting around like a lovesick puppy waiting for him didn't suit her. 

They ate in quiet until Natasha spoke again.

"I'm not sleeping with him if that's what you think."

Her words surprised Bucky, but they did leave him happy. "Really?"

"Love's something I left behind a long time ago."

Bucky really couldn't help himself. "Maybe you should go find it."

A small smile crossed Natasha's lips. "Maybe I have."

"Natalia . . ." It was hard explaining she was too good for him when all he wanted to do was kiss her. "I'm screwed up."

"Everyone is. I don't see why it has to be any different with you."

He wanted to reply that not her. She was perfect. But he knew it wasn't true. She had skeletons in her closet too. She just hid them better. Or perhaps she was just better at beating them into submission. Natasha was good at beating things up.

The mug of coffee was Bucky's solitude. It gave him an excuse not to talk. It was the good kind. The kind that hadn't changed in seventy years. He still wasn't sure about the stuff they currently called coffee. Things were easier in the old days. 

The bill came and Bucky paid it without protesting even though it had been Natasha's idea to have breakfast out. He owed it to her and would pay for every breakfast for the rest of her life if it meant he got to share them with her. He still didn't think he deserved her but that didn't mean he didn't want to be around her. Natasha put him at ease in such a crazy, mixed-up world.

"We should go for a walk," he suggested after the left the diner. He didn't feel like returning to his apartment just yet. The place allowed him to think too many bad thoughts. Keeping busy was the only way to keep the demons at bay.

Natasha nodded her head. "We still have time until we have to report in."

Bucky rolled his eyes at her words. Part of being on probation meant he had to endure various testing. He could handle the physical stuff. It was the poking around in his brain part he didn't like. He didn't want to talk to shrinks. He didn't like them. They didn't understand what he had been though. Not like Natasha. 

There was no park nearby where they could walk but Bucky didn't care. He was content to stroll down the street with Natasha by his side. There were so many changes. It was almost hard to believe he was in the same city where he had first met Steve Rogers so many years ago. He wondered what Steve had thought when he saw it all. It would have been worse for Steve, waking up alone in an unknown world. Bucky at least had memories of what was done to him and years of being awake through the decades. Plus he had Natasha. Steve only had strangers.

Natasha surprised Bucky when she took his hand. He didn't object though. He wanted her. Wanted things to go back the way they use too. But at the same time he knew they could never go back to the way they were. They had been different people then. Innocent. Before the world ruined them. He worshipped the ground she walked on but she deserved more than that. 

"Stop thinking."

The command caught Bucky off guard. "What?"

"Thinking. You're getting that look on your face. The one that tells me you're thinking of bad thoughts again."

"I'm not- " Bucky began to say but it was a lie. Lying to Natasha was never a good idea. She would just see through it. After all there was no better liar than her. "Okay, I am. Its just hard at times."

The kiss was sudden but there was a tenderness to it that Bucky remembered from so long ago. It was sweet, but also bitter due to the taste of coffee from earlier that still lingered on Natasha's lips. It was the best thing to happen to Bucky in a long time. He never wanted it to end but eventually it did as Natasha pulled away.

"Remember that. Think of it when the bad thoughts won't stay away."

Bucky didn't know what to say. He had imagined - dreamt - about kissing Natasha again ever since he had regained his memories. She was the one bright spot of his life from those days and he longed for their relationship to back to normal. At the same time he felt he wasn't worthy of Natasha's affection. He had been willing to let her go, now he was addicted all over again. He didn't want to them to be apart every again. They had already lost so many years they should have spent together.

Before Bucky could say could tell her though, there was a beeping from Natasha's phone. "Time to go to work."

Bucky really didn't want too. "Yeah."

So much for their peaceful morning together. But as long as Natasha stayed with him, Bucky was beginning to feel he could take on whatever the future threw at him. He still considered himself to be screwed up, but Natasha knew what that was like more than anyone. Together they would help each other.


End file.
